My girlfriend left me because she thinks I'm crazy.

 I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

Little Red Riding Hood sure took a long time to realize the talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandma

I just read that dimples are a birth defect.

 Why am I not allowed handicap parking?

I sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here".

 And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!!

I wish I had a "friend with benefits."...

 But the friend would own a liquor store, and the benefits would be free booze!

Be thankful I'm not the little voice in your head.

RV Hall of Fame Museum Elkhart Indiana.

It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to scam me... I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

Remember the good ol' days when people robbed gas stations...

 Not the other way around?

I have begun many an endeavor with the phrase, "This is probably gonna hurt and end badly."

Me, trying to explain to my grandkid what a jukebox was:

 "You know, kinda like an 800-lb. iPod."

If arriving drunk and grazing free snacks is wrong, then maybe I don't fully understand how a school open house works

Maybe it is time to mow the yard...

My Son said the grass is so high he lost something in the yard. I said "what did you lose?" He said, "the swingset!"

My damn neighbor is so nosy, he's always asking me what I'm doing in his shed.

I will be good tonight... I will be good tonight... I will be good tonight...

Yeah, I didn't believe it either.

The nice thing about being single is when you're setting the silverware, it doesn't matter which side you put the remote on.

I watched Snoop Dog chase his tail for 10 minutes, and thought "WOW, dogs are so easily entertained!"

 I then realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

I tests my posts on Snoop Dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.