Whenever a friend says "you'd do the same for me" it makes me realize how little they know about me.

Hello ladies! Look at your man. Then back to me. Then look at your man. Now back to me. Yea, you probably made the right decision.

For Sale Golden Retriever:

Had for 9 months has yet to retrieve any gold. Should have just bought metal detector.

Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?

I wish someone would come up and say "You should stay at home. That is, and has always been, your destiny".

A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell.

I started a new diet today. I call it the Teflon diet.....

Since I know I'll never stick to it!

I just got kicked out of my first swim class because the gal running the class refused to stroke my breast like the brochure promised.